From the heart of a girl who just happens to be queen.
I’m nothing without you. I’m barely breathing.//You are my joy. You are my peace. I’m laying it all down–letting go and getting lost in you.
Vulnerability. This is such an interesting concept to me and also such a freeing experience. The other night I saw United Pursuit in concert–more like they just led us in 2 hours of worship. There was so much freedom in that place– freedom in a way that people felt comfortable being themselves– dancing, jumping, singing at the top of their longs because we were in the presence and joy of the Lord. This was a response to God–who He is and who He says that we are because really we are NOTHING without Him. He has chased us down and called us His own. He has poured out His pure, deep love in each moment of our lives. He knows us. He loves us still.
At the end of the night Will Reagan prayed and thanked the Lord for the vulnerability that was shown. What? No one spoke. We just sang for two straight hours. We could not have been vulnerable—but we were. It takes vulnerability, a heart willing to set itself aside to bow down before the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords and cry out “I need you.” It takes a vulnerable heart to sing with everything in you that you are laying down all the hurt and fear and doubt at the feet of Jesus. It takes a vulnerable heart to raise up your hands and declare that you are nothing without Jesus. It takes a vulnerable heart to dance around in the joy and freedom of Jesus.
I’m learning more and more each day that being vulnerable is less about me and more about the mighty hand of God in my life. For so many years I’ve been pushing hard things and sin down and letting it sit instead of bringing it to the light, laying it at the feet of Jesus and allowing grace to abound and God get the credit.
Right now I’m not really okay. I’m struggling, but I’m not hopeless. I’m in a place where I can’t just keep wishing one day I’ll wake up and be more vulnerable or that I won’t feel the pressure to have it all together. I’m trying to set aside my pride and seek guidance and seek truth in order to live in the abundant life Jesus has provided. I’m convinced that is the best place to be–in the abundance that is God, that is the love Jesus poured out for us, that is the reason for getting up each morning.
The truth is that sometimes I hate myself. The truth is that sometimes the lies of the enemy are so loud in my head that it stops me in my tracks and brings tears to my eyes. The truth is that I hardly ever let anyone in to bear burdens, to love me, to encourage me. The truth is that I believe the lie that I am not enough.
BUT… THE ACTUAL TRUTH is that I am loved by the Creator of this universe and He calls me by my name. The ACTUAL truth is that the enemy has no hold over me and Jesus has defeated sin and death. The ACTUAL truth is that God has provided some spectacular people in my life to walk through this life with me in the good and the not so good.
So why do I share this? Because I want you to know that every good thing in Emma Shappley is Jesus Christ. I want you to know that the Homecoming Queen and the coordinator of Campus Ministries is not exempt from struggle. I do not have my life all together–not everyday and thought is a good one.
Every single good thing in me is Jesus. Oh how sometimes I try to take credit.
Emma Shappley is a sinner in need of a Savior. The Lord is working on me–pouring out His grace in every step and shining lights on the dark places in my life. My good works, my achievements, nothing on my own can make me worthy of such a sacrifice that Jesus gave. We are worthy in the eyes of God because He created us in His own image. We are worthy because Jesus took my place and bore the punishment for my sins.
“You have not given me into the hands of the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place.” Psalm 31:8
This is what I know:
I’m trusting God to bring me to a spacious place.
I am not alone.
The victory is already won.
So do I have it all together? Absolutely not. Am I having a hard time setting aside my pride in the process of getting help? Uh yes. Is Jesus worth everything I am afraid of losing? OF COURSE.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” John 10:10